Alone in this city

I miss loving someone. I miss feeling happy seeing somebody’s face. I miss staying at home waiting for someone to go through the door and his face is the only thing that makes me smile.

I remember feeling so happy seeing J face the first time after he is back from his trip. It’s the kind of tinkling that I can never forget. I miss that feeling so badly. I didn’t experience that before him and wanted to experience it again with someone. All of these endless dates, they go nowhere. That sparkle doesn’t happen. Maybe it only happens once in a lifetime? People just make me tired. Sure some makes me interested because of attention but it’s not the same. It doesn’t make me go crazy mindless. When will someone appear?

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New beginning

I have moved to a new city. Settled down with a relatively good job, good environment and good people. I met a guy with the profile seems to match with what I want but turns out he is moving away. I’m confused about how I feel about him as usual on how I feel about other people. Should I ask him upfront? Should I just wait and see if it fizzles out like the rest of my relationships? I should do something different to get a different result. Usually I am very available and responsive. I should just hold my horse to wait it out. I got very depressed yesterday but I am better today. Though the feeling of readjusting after getting attention is the worst part of it.

I guess Ken was right. I just need to be patient. I will accidentally meet someone and fall in love. I can’t force it. Patience is a virtue.Also like Andy and DA said, it’s a 2-prong thing, I can’t leave it hanging without working on it. I just need to push it. I have always thought it will come naturally like most people. but I forgot that I am extraordinary, I have to expect that sometimes things will not be like the norm for me.

For my career, I feel like i’m on the right track. I think I can move somewhere else for party planning. I want to be the best party planner in the business. Not just in Vietnam but in Asia where I specialize in absurb party requirements. I know things will look up. I just need to keep on going. Network more. Take part in more things. It will be ok in the end. You’ve got this!

 

Standard

So while it has been established long ago, Js take me as a friend, it still stinks abit till today. Not about feelings but about romance. The most romantic things I have ever had are with a guy that take me as  a friend?!? That speaks sadly about my expectations in romance and people ability in romantic gestures. Romance may well truely be dead. That hurts. I just have insane expectations and I might be alone for a long time. At least I know my reasons and accept it.

Romance

It is officially 1 month after I have quitted my job. I have been to a few interviews, applying to some random places like a lost bird. Despite general uplifting feelings, I occasionally feel frustrated about not getting any job offer yet (those that I would want anyways). However, anytime I ask myself: Am I wrong to quit without a job offer? Should I have stayed there? The answer has always been a definite No. It gives me strength. I think I have run my course there, it was time to get the hell out of there. I saw no future there and I had no more juice to give.

Talking about relocation, I was really excited to have an interview in HCMC. I think I really want to move there. Though it freaks the craps out of me. However, I strongly believe that life will be much better if I move there. It could be that I was too drunk on that thought that having no response for my application yet devastates me more than it should be. Should I just move there? Make a scary jump? The girl at the house that I like said it lies in whether you plan to move here for good. And she was right. If I keep waiting until things fall into my laps, it may never happen. This is such a confusing feeling to think about it. I am both excited for the new life and nervous about it at the same time.

The other day, I went windows shopping. I tried on this combination that gives me this sensation of being girly and romantic. A few days ago, my friend told me I’m such a hopeless romantic. It made me think. I have never thought of myself that way. Yet I only seem to response well to romantic gestures from gentlement. Only one person has truly given me that it smithens me. Everyone else just does not seem to live up to this ridiculous invisible expectation that I did not know I have. So I thought Have I been waiting to romance all my life? Why am I so chill not looking for it while struggling to understand my own needs? I think I watch too much fiction, it blinds my “normal” sense when it comes to love. I dont think I am enjoying this, I just dont see the need to stress over this.

As I am staying at home, I constantly feel that I am waiting for this sudden romantic gesture or I just suddenly meet someone. Oddly I am just hopeless here. It does not work for me here. These are such contrasting feelings that I cant understand just yet. When will my life be where it should be? I used to have this feeling of contentment of happiness. Somehow it just gets lost every 4 years. Probably 4 is a magic number. It is a cycle of change that I need to cope with. I hope I will be happy again soon.

Timing is a bitch

I forgot how easy it is to talk with Filip. I think we’re just not meant to meet. Destiny only allowed us to cross path this way.

Today is just an off day for me. I finally make peace with the fact that we can never meet in real life. I planned to dress up today, which is tough, to meet someone I have a brief interaction with. Yet we only again crossed path. I guess you can never force it.

Also today is the second day that I went out with C. It’s super weird. He confused me. He’s uncomfortable with me around in public. Even when I tried. I kept thinking about Jens. How easy it was with him. Things should be easy. I guess it’s time to drop it.

Smile

I notice I haven’t smile much in my recent photos. It could have been that I have been really into talking photos about clothes. Somehow I feel awkward smiling. Is it inner me speaking or is it just the necessity of it? Do I feel unhappy? I doubt so. Do I feel not confident in anyway? I hope not.
I have been having strange dream recently with the ‘casting’ of unexpected people in bizarre situation.
I am tired of everything. I dislike feelings. Can’t we live like the 13th century and move on with our lives? Too many choices, too advanced, too much liberation. It’s like living in a mad house all the time. I want things simple.

Move

I read somewhere that you are allowed to have 01 self pity day. I guess that day is today.

I have had nothing. No scholarship. My work is no longer inspiring, it makes me angry everyday. I have no love life. I haven’t been on a holiday for too long. I need to get out of this city. I feel so bad about myself. People say change is frightening but once you embrace it, something good will come out of it. I feel stuck and hopeless. I guess I achieved what I set out to do 2 years ago when I started out. I have had unparalleled experience. I have had an incredible social life. I have achieved a certain professional recognition. Yet I feel empty. Human is a greedy specie. Once you have achieved something, you want the next thing.

What is my next thing?

I feel like I need to capitalize on what I am good at. That is looking good and knowing what looks good. So let it be entering the fashion world. It will be tough, but I will beat it. I also wants to learn Spanish properly. It needs to be done. Since I cant get the scholarship that I desire, at least I know another language.

Another job sounds great but to do what? I am exhausted. I cant think clearly on what to do next. The past 2 years have cleared me dry. I doubt I would want to be in marketing. It is so boring. Who am I to be picky? Let’s wait and see. At least I am free now.

 

Choices

I have a job offer. Somehow I am finding different ways to not accept it. It is like my dating world again. I think deep down inside, it is not a good option. But the lure of safety scares me if I just jump with another one without thinking things through. Deep down inside I know that this is not for me.

I cant wait to quit after the holiday. I want to really take up a language. Focus my time. I will eventually be 40 but at least I know another language.

Hope

Hope is one thing that makes life bearable. It is also the thing that breaks you from cloud nine when things fall short. I have been hopeful for every application this year. There is no other way around it. I heard somewhere that if you have a plan B, it means you aren’t confident your plan A will work and that is not acceptable. There’s another saying that quality trumps quantity so quality application with targeted schools will be better than spraying. It is the only condolences I have. Now as I  have always received rejection letter on Mondays, it just feels awful every Monday comes. Expectation for the worst though softens the blow, it tortures me everyday as I wait. Since every school said that result will be out by January, I can imagine I’m out of the race since I haven’t heard anything back. I can’t stop the tears streaming down. It just hurts. Mediocrity couples with poverty suck. Sometimes I want to talk with strangers my problem so they can give me some advice. I’m tired being chirpy all the time.